Ich werde ein Berliner (Or: From Liberty to Victory)

"Berlin ist eine Stadt, verdammt dazu, ewig zu werden, niemals zu sein" ("Berlin is a city condemned forever to becoming and never to being.") -- Karl Scheffler, Berlin: A City of Destiny, 1910

I've never been particularly comfortable with the idea of using this blog as a means of sharing personal details, but this perhaps-insane adventure I'm about to embark on warrants something more than a Twitter or Facebook update. Given that the site hasn't been doing much lately other than gathering dust, I figured...why not?   

For those who avoid the social mediaz, the news is this: after 40+ years, I am leaving New York City for Berlin, Germany. It wasn't an easy decision, and as I write this (about eight hours before my departure) I am still questioning whether or not it's a wise choice. 

With the exception of four years at university and a few additional ones abroad, New York City has been my home since birth. Though I'm admittedly filled with dewy-eyed nostalgia for the NY of my youth, when there was still a thriving middle class and Manhattan felt more like a home and not a mall, I still love the place. But the fact is that it's been kicking my ass for the last several years, and I no longer have the will to endure. I'm tired of the struggle. (My god, I never thought I'd utter those words.) 

Like many of my fellow denizens, 9/11 changed everything. The corporate lifestyle that kept me financially in the black but robbed me of my soul would no longer suffice. I knew that I wanted to do something with film, but didn't know what. A year or two as a would-be-screenwriter yielded nothing, and spending time on other people's shoots confirmed that the world behind the camera was not for me. Though I didn't realize it at the time, this blog was the first (albeit unconscious) step that would launch this whole new "thing" (for I dare not use the word career). 

In December of 2005, Eugene Hernandez of IndieWire invited me to be on a panel about film blogging along with IFC's Alison Willmore, Karina Longworth (then of Cinematical), Aaron Dobbs, Stu VanAirsdale, and Michael Koresky. Heady days indeed, when most of us were still trying to figure things out, and old media flippantly dismissed us with a wave of their print-will-never-die hands. Though I can recall very little about the panel itself, that was the night that changed everything.

If I think about the people who are part of my day-to-day life--acquaintances, good friends, online-only contacts, and even the odd nemesis or two--a vast majority of them trace back to the blog and/or Benten Films, and for that I consider myself very lucky. I've met a wide variety of people, and the time I've spent with them has been incredibly enriching in so many ways. 

Yet at the same time there's been an unpleasant shift in recent years, significantly souring the mood, and the poor economic climate has only served to make matters worse. Too many gifted critics with years of experience are unable to find steady work, while younger writers willing to do more for less are churning out serviceable but ultimately uninspired content at an alarming rate. Okay, fair enough, everybody has the right to earn a living. But that some fancy themselves modern-day Manny Farbers and use Twitter and Facebook as tools to worship at the temple of their own narcissism is disconcerting to say the least.¹ On top of that, critics have been spending way too much time bashing other critics' opinions (or simply the critics themselves) and second-guessing why it is that their peers don't share their views. It stifles rather than encourages discussion, and it's fucking depressing if you must know the truth.

As a distributor, things haven't fared much better. Indie film is certainly alive and well, but the discussion around distribution is increasingly becoming one of crass commodification, where the delivery mechanism supersedes the content. What we're seeing is a seemingly endless stream of repetitive and pointless panels at film festivals, blog posts by self-proclaimed "experts" who preach profitability over artistic integrity, and the emphasis on new and clever ways to market yourself instead of, you know, actually making a good film. 

(To the many talented, daring filmmakers out there not buying into the bullshit -- I tip my hat to you all.)

As a result of all this, my passion for film has diminished to practically nil. I barely watch things anymore. Even my prized pile of rare, grey-market finds that I've been dying to dip into remains untouched. Losing interest in the thing I've loved since childhood...it's a suitable cause for concern.  

Though I've made this promise before (and more than once I believe) it is my intention to revive this blog, and I'm hoping that the change of venue will rekindle my desire, and that living in a European city breeds inspiration anew. (Enthusiastic encouragement from the Self Styled Siren herself has certainly helped on this front.) The prospect of attending various film festivals throughout Europe has also served as a seductive lure. 

At the same time, I can't pretend that there aren't other unrelated and deeply personal reasons for my leaving, but this isn't the place to discuss them...

To answer some questions many have asked: Yes, Benten Films will go on. It's long been a goal of mine to introduce our films to a European audience, and living there obviously brings me one step closer to realizing that goal. Aaron Hillis will head up Benten here in the States, and if all goes as planned, we'll be making some significant announcements in the coming weeks. 

To everyone I've met over the past five years as a result of this site or Benten who has tolerated my bitterness and dime-store misanthropy....thank you. I also would be remiss if I didn't draw attention to a remarkably astute assessment of me by Twitter man-of-mystery The Futurist, whose words left me more than a bit choked up. Here's hoping that life in Berlin finds me happier, calmer, and ready to enjoy watching films again.

Now, I have suitcases to pack...     

¹I probably don't need to say this, but that's certainly not meant to be a sweeping generalization of every under-thirty critic. I'm no Armond. The good ones know who they are...

Comments

[Kenji Fujishima]

I wish you best of luck with your new endeavor, Mr. Grant. I sincerely hope that dwindling passion for film is rekindled with the change in scenery. The film blogosphere, at the very least, needs your voice to be as strong as ever.

[Andy]

Bon Voyage, Mr. Filmbrain! And good luck with everything! A request: festival dispatches are the best thing that we film bloggers do, in my opinion, so please do file some, however brief.

[James McNally]

Andrew, I know we've only met in person once (twice?), and corresponded rarely, but I recognized a kindred spirit the first time I read your blog. I sincerely hope that your move will open up a brand new phase in your life, whether it means rekindling your love for films or something completely different. Godspeed and I look forward to reading your dispatches from Europa.

[debbie coutavas]

hmmmm....berlin. a wise choice given the urban blood that pulses in your nyc veins. you'll fit right in.
or not.
no worries, you can move back if necessary - lady liberty's arms are always open. of course by then the cost of living around here will have exceeded the GNP of at least 16 African nations.

happily, your move seems tailor-made for my use of this obscure (maybe not with you) movie quote:
"WO BIST DU [ANDREW]?!"

viel glück!
-deb

[ryan werner]

andrew grant - safe travels and enjoy your new home. hope to see you in february and back in nyc.

all the best,
ryan werner

[NinjaWorrier]

I've said it before, but, y'know, always happy to say it again. America's loss is Europe's gain. See you soon, I hope.

[J. Sperling Reich]

I truly appreciate your comments about the discussion around distribution and how many (if not most) are focusing on newfangled ways to deliver a film instead of the content itself.

You have managed to put into words the thoughts which have been rumbling around my own mind over the past few months, though I've never been able to externalize them as well as you have. As you point out, this is especially true about the "alternative distribution" panels at festivals.

Good luck in Berlin.

[Tassoula]

Andrew, I wish you the best of luck and look forward to following your journey online.

Though we only met once (and I was admittedly exhausted from a week of travel and a morning of subway drama), you were kind, thoughtful and made great film conversation (which isn't always easy to come by).

If you're ever back in the states, and stop by the Pacific Northwest, I'd love to get another cup of coffee.

[Mike Hinske]

I don't want to burst anyones bubble, but if Berlin really is filled with the sort of vapid, attention-craving people described in the brilliant "Ich werde ein Berliner" blog (http://www.ichwerdeeinberliner.com/), I would think twice about moving there. After all, it barely has 4 million people, so it might feel a bit like a monoculture of forced coolness. There is no, and will never be a, chance for it to be the "new New York". Contrary to what people who don't know much tell you.

Anyway, I wish you luck and hope that you will only use Berlin as a base to explore the truly inspiring cities of Europe, such as London, Barcelona, or even still, Paris.

Unfortunately, Berlin is only a hype that seems hard to see through from across the pond.

Mike (from Berlin)

[Jesous]

It's a tough time. My brother, the director of "Staccatto Purr of the Exhaust" (never properly distributed) seems to have given up film. The dvd project has stalled in the UCLA lab because he won't work on it anymore.

[Pier Preshur]

Good riddance. You dissed my writing and opinions a few years ago...

"critics have been spending way too much time bashing other critics' opinions"

...indeed.

Go fuck yourself.

[Filmbrain]

Hey Pier (is that you Eric?) --

Never claimed I wasn't guilty of getting sucked in to the fray.

And a pleasant Friday to you as well.

[Paul Doherty]

Andrew: Best of luck in Berlin. You have opened my eyes to many new films on this blog, I will keep checking in.

[Rocky Rhodes]

Am I the only one alarmed by the level of self-pity and the utter lack of any personal accountability in this post? Everyone lets Andrew down --the economy, the film industry, the people who hire critics, even New York. Nothing in filbrain's fault. He has failed at nothing; everything has failed him.

He whines about about not wanting a soul-killing job just to pay the bills, but seems unwilling to put in the hard work or take the risk involved in pursuing something more.

An intervention is needed, here, Andrew. You need to grow the f up.

[Filmbrain]

Rocky --

It's amusing that you talk about accountability while hiding behind a fake name, but I'll play along nonetheless.

I took a tremendous risk starting my own business, particularly a film and DVD distribution company, at a time when sales were already on the downturn. I have no regrets whatsoever, nor am I whining about the fact that Benten hasn't netted me my first million yet.

It's hardly shocking to anybody who lives in NYC to say that it's a struggle to survive. And I'm certainly not the only born-and-raised New Yorker to complain about how the city has changed for the worse in the past several decades.

If I have an opportunity to live cheaper, yet with a higher standard of living, why wouldn't I give it a shot?

Yes, I grew tired of the celebration of mediocrity, and the endless games that far too many played (and continue to play). I chose to leave.

Now I have to begin anew, in a country I don't really know all that well. To my thinking, that's a far greater risk than leaving anonymous comments on a blog.

ag.

[Brendan]

It's not surprising that both of dickhead comments are anonymous.

I just want to say I very much appreciate that Benten was willing to take a chance on small movies that might have otherwise never found a proper dvd release (certainly not one with such handsome packaging). Obviously important to me personally, but also in the larger sense.

So thank you and safe travels, Andrew. Best of luck with your life in Germany and everything that is forthcoming.

[Bob Turnbull]

Best of luck Andrew...As a long-time reader (yours was one of the first blogs on film that I began to follow), I look forward to reading further dispatches - preferably about your renewed passion towards film, but as long you find something that stirs you, I'll likely continue reading.

[weekofwonders]

Andrew, this is a wonderful post that echoes many of my own sentiments. As for your detractors, they seem to be highly engaged readers, so you win out there. Good luck in Germany. If moving is the answer, I may rethink my own location. Good luck!

[RabbiReport]

Andrew,

Congratulations on the move and I'm looking forward to seeing you in February! I did something similar (but far less of a move) by moving to the Eastern end of Long Island. Berlin was under consideration!

I second the comments about Rocky and Pier. Anonymous comments are bullshit, cowardly acts of rudeness. If you're going to criticize someone, have the balls to admit who you are!

Yours,

Mark Rabinowitz (See? My real name.)

[The Greater Meaning of Water]

Hey Andrew Grant, I wish you have great travel and you will enjoy lot in your new home..best of luck..